Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels

I read this today on the wall of a bathroom stall in Evans. (For those of you who don't know, Evans is this monster of a building with dungeon-like classrooms and a tendency to cater to those who feel like jumping from its rooftops.)

I thought about this quote for a while, and realized that I actually agree. Nothing feels as good as knowing that someone isn't judging your fat. It's one thing to know someone is judging your unbrushed hair, your hangover face, your smudged makeup, or the stain on your shirt - since all of these things can be changed within 24 hours. But when someone judges your body shape, you feel the need to fix it, and you can't. And even if you can in the long term, constantly thinking about "fixing" yourself is horrifying.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels because in our world, skinny means you're not only comfortable in your own skin, but you feel worthy of praise, something overweight people don't usually feel.

I love food, I love eating, I like sharing food with others, but it has come to my attention that I never feel good after a meal. I almost always regret what I ate. Each bite is always delicious; the tastes, textures, and colors all seem worth it. Until after, when I wish I could take it back.

You know that saying, "I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast"? Well I always remember, and I always wish I had skipped it. I feel about food how insomniacs feel about sleep. It's unnecessary and holding me back from all the things I could be and do.

I tend to judge people's worth in the first five minutes largely based on how they look, as I expect they judge mine. It's rather ironic, since the appearance of all the people I have truly loved couldn't have mattered less.

It seems dangerous to admit the truth of these matters. To admit that sometimes I'm superficial, sometimes I feel bad about the way I look, sometimes I don't eat dinner, seems to bring with it a label of "troubled."

But the bigger truth is that everyone feels this way sometimes. I'm just one of the few that speak honestly about it.

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