I am going to starve

Summary: Today I went to Safeway with my housemate, Michelle, and then attempted to eat lunch. I failed.

Based on the day's events, I am forced to conclude that I have no idea how to feed myself. If you've read this blog in the past month, you'd know that I don't eat (most) carbs - - but today's failure is more than that. I just suck at eating, in general. It's the combination of not eating my favorite carbs, not eating things that are too heavy to lug home, and standing in an aisle and hearing my mother's voice echo “don't eat that, that's not food” that leaves me completely useless.

Example #1: I am inept at grocery shopping.

Me and Michelle: Woohoo we walked to Safeway!
Reusable bags? Check.
Wallet? Check.
Grocery list? Check.

La la la la.....

Me: Ooh cheese! I like cheese. Oh hey, cream cheese! Hey Michelle, what can I put cheese on?
Michelle: Umm......bagels! Or....tortillas! Oh have you ever tried cream cheese in wontons?
Me: Okay, scratch the cheese.

Buh bum bah bummm.....

Me: OMG Donuts! Michelle can we get some donuts?
Michelle: Did you want to get run over by the wagon you just fell off of?
Me: Okay, no donuts.

Do do do do do.....

Me: Hey wanna go in on soda together?
Michelle: How are we going to carry that home?
Me: You're right, forget the soda.

*pushes cart around and pouts*

Michelle: Mmm salami. And hot dogs. Best emergency food ever.
Me: Don't eat that. Hot dogs aren't food.
Michelle: What would you suggest?

*glares bitterly at the aisle containing spiderman gummies and the granola bars*

Me: Okay, deep breaths, it's going to be okay, everything is going to be fine. When in doubt, eat Jewish comfort food, ie Gefilte Fish (a weird fish version of meatloaf that's sort of an awkward acquired taste).

Me: NINE DOLLARS A JAR?!!
Me: Okay, no Gefilte fish.

And then we got to the produce section. Victory, right?

Me: Let's get some oranges!
Michelle: We are NEVER going to make it home.
Me: You're right.... but grapes are only 67 cents a lb!
Michelle: Maybe we should just wait until Dalena gets the car.....
Me: Fine. But I'm getting my fucking ice cream. I don't care if we pass out on the way home.

So we left, $40 dollars poorer, with a chicken, some broccoli, some carrots, and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Crème Brulee ice cream.

Example #2: I can't put together a meal.

It's lunchtime. Yeah, like right now.

I am eating: Beets and tuna out of the can.

Michelle(/Confucius) say: Do people actually eat beets? >.>...... But you know what goes really good with tuna? Ritz crackers.

Thanks, Michelle.

I am going to starve.

xoxo