I am going to starve

Summary: Today I went to Safeway with my housemate, Michelle, and then attempted to eat lunch. I failed.

Based on the day's events, I am forced to conclude that I have no idea how to feed myself. If you've read this blog in the past month, you'd know that I don't eat (most) carbs - - but today's failure is more than that. I just suck at eating, in general. It's the combination of not eating my favorite carbs, not eating things that are too heavy to lug home, and standing in an aisle and hearing my mother's voice echo “don't eat that, that's not food” that leaves me completely useless.

Example #1: I am inept at grocery shopping.

Me and Michelle: Woohoo we walked to Safeway!
Reusable bags? Check.
Wallet? Check.
Grocery list? Check.

La la la la.....

Me: Ooh cheese! I like cheese. Oh hey, cream cheese! Hey Michelle, what can I put cheese on?
Michelle: Umm......bagels! Or....tortillas! Oh have you ever tried cream cheese in wontons?
Me: Okay, scratch the cheese.

Buh bum bah bummm.....

Me: OMG Donuts! Michelle can we get some donuts?
Michelle: Did you want to get run over by the wagon you just fell off of?
Me: Okay, no donuts.

Do do do do do.....

Me: Hey wanna go in on soda together?
Michelle: How are we going to carry that home?
Me: You're right, forget the soda.

*pushes cart around and pouts*

Michelle: Mmm salami. And hot dogs. Best emergency food ever.
Me: Don't eat that. Hot dogs aren't food.
Michelle: What would you suggest?

*glares bitterly at the aisle containing spiderman gummies and the granola bars*

Me: Okay, deep breaths, it's going to be okay, everything is going to be fine. When in doubt, eat Jewish comfort food, ie Gefilte Fish (a weird fish version of meatloaf that's sort of an awkward acquired taste).

Me: NINE DOLLARS A JAR?!!
Me: Okay, no Gefilte fish.

And then we got to the produce section. Victory, right?

Me: Let's get some oranges!
Michelle: We are NEVER going to make it home.
Me: You're right.... but grapes are only 67 cents a lb!
Michelle: Maybe we should just wait until Dalena gets the car.....
Me: Fine. But I'm getting my fucking ice cream. I don't care if we pass out on the way home.

So we left, $40 dollars poorer, with a chicken, some broccoli, some carrots, and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Crème Brulee ice cream.

Example #2: I can't put together a meal.

It's lunchtime. Yeah, like right now.

I am eating: Beets and tuna out of the can.

Michelle(/Confucius) say: Do people actually eat beets? >.>...... But you know what goes really good with tuna? Ritz crackers.

Thanks, Michelle.

I am going to starve.

xoxo

Let Me Eat Cake!

So here's what's up: I've been working out a lot lately, and one of the guys at the gym that helps me said to me one morning, “Hey Alex, I want you to cut out all the starchy carbs you normally eat. So no bread, no white rice, no potatoes, no pasta and most importantly: no candy. Basically, nothing processed.”

In my head I was like “WHAAAT? WHY??” and then went to work on cutting out all my favorite, doughy, sweet things from my diet and dying a little inside. You'll be happy to know, however, that I have not broken down at all, yet. The only carbs I do eat, if any, are plain oatmeal and brown rice.

The funny thing about all of this is that I truly feel I am going through carb withdrawls. Every time I see a biscuit or a chocolate cake on the Food Network, my heart rate speeds up, my eyes get a little wider, and I look away from the mirror - - hoping to convince myself that my ass is NOT that big, and one little bite of chocolate filled pastry wouldn't hurt ANYBODY.

In the spirit of NOT eating like shit and settling to dream of it instead, I've decided to share with you my top 5 favorite carbs.

1. Chocolate Eclairs: Yes, I know I've used this picture before but look at them! They're colorful and inviting and delicious and oh please just one?


2. French Fries: Specifically McDonald's. I'm a little bitter about the way Carl's Jr. has changed their fries to steak fries, as there's a Carl's near my house. But I'm convinced that nothing can beat those classic McDonald's fries and a giant coke.


3. Fresh bread and butter: Have you ever had freshly baked bread and real, room temperature butter? Well, my chub can tell you that it's the most comforting thing on pretty much any day. Also, it's cheap (yay college!)

4. Kettle Chips: Holy crap this is DEFINITELY how I gained 30 lbs my freshman year. They have so many more flavors now too! My favorite is the Sea Salt and Vinegar, but I also like Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper, New York Cheddar with Herbs, Yogurt and Green Onion, Buffalo Bleu...........Oh god....

5. Warm chocolate chip cookies: A cliché, but a delicious one. Today I saw a special on fresh cookies in the grocery store flier and I almost ate the page. The best cookie I've had recently was over Spring Break with the band. We walked into the hotel and they had baskets of these super gooey fresh cookies. An outstanding baked goods moment.

I implore you to try each and every one one of these and send me pictures so I can live through your pleasurable eating experiences. I promise not to hold a grudge.

xoxo