Wish List: Hovercraft. Thanks.

It has recently come to my attention that people don't know how to walk. Yes, that's right. When it comes to maneuvering others in a desperate attempt to reach a destination, people = epic fail.

And I'm annoyed.

Every time I have to walk anywhere there's some fool who clearly failed to put on his game face that day, and I get stuck Sunday walking behind college douchebag's version of my Grandma Beatrice.

So, in my attempt to CTFD, I've made a list.

Things people do while walking and why it's okay for me to hate them:

1. They walk too slow. Now, I know that's a bit judgmental because if I'm in a hurry, I'll always think they can walk faster. But honestly, there is a minimum speed at which it is socially imperative that you walk at. If you're not going to walk with a purpose, you should be walking in a nice, leisurely stroll. Basically, your pace should give you enough time to notice the squirrel on the tree and maybe admire its chubby cheeks, but not enough time to take 15 pictures of it if you were holding a camera.

2. They monopolize the sidewalk. GET OUT THE WAY. Unless you are the size of the sidewalk, do not walk in the middle of it. And if you're clearly a jackass and you DO choose to walk in the middle of it, stay there and don't make lazy, S curves so I can't get around you. I don't want to have to bust out my wicked cool gettheFouttamyway dance moves in order to get to class. (But, you know, I would.)

3. They cut me off really fast and then walk really slow in front of me. When driving, this would probably result in an accident (John, hush). Is it okay if I walk into the back of you and then sue you for my whiplash? No? I understand if people have places to be. We're all very busy and important and things come up like class or bathroom emergencies. But in that case, you walk super fast in a straight line and weave if there are people. You don't walk really fast for 30 seconds and then step in front of a person who is clearly also walking, and then stop. Is there a bumper on your ass? No.

4. When they all try to fit through one door at the same time. Dwinelle is a perfect example of this idiotic phenomenon that happens pretty much every day. For some reason, despite the fact that there are like 6 doors, everyone all rushes out of the two main lecture halls, towards one door, to create this giant traffic jam. Oddly enough I always find a way in, but can basically never get out. Go Bears.

5. When a random stranger feels the need to race you. Seriously? Are you seriously going to try to get up this hill faster than me? You're on a bike. S my D.


Solution: Hovercraft!

If I had a personal sized Hovercraft, I could just air-cushion myself over everybody and none of their unreasonable antics would plague my life. It would be a peaceful solution to mowing everyone down in my selfish, anti-social desire to enjoy my walks to everywhere. Let's be optimistic, it's not like I'm asking for a tank.


xoxo